i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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