Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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