I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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