why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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