you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
