Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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