Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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