Your dad touched me again.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
