non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
