I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
