i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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