Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
