he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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