My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
