Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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