I just threw up on my dentist
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Everyone says I win the strip club
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
