well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
