what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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