I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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