I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
