Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
