Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
