A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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