Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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