I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
