I think my fart just growled at me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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