Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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