Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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