I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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