no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
