woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
