Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
