a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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