Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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