I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
