No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
