If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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