I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
