Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
