We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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