he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
