I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize