I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
