Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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