Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
