mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
