People with herpes should wear stickers.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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