Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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