I think my vagina is haunted
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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