when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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