is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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