Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
