All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
