How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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