You work out of a Hotel?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
